The Importance of Loving Yourself
Most of the time when I talk about self compassion or loving yourself people cringe. Why are so many of us against having a good relationship with ourselves? There is no one else in this world that we are stuck with from the moment we are born to the day we die- not our parents, not our siblings, not our partner(s), and not our friends. Just ourselves. So why not get along with ourselves… or even go as far as love ourselves.
I’m not referring to the type of self love that will make you annoying. I’m talking about the type of self love that when you make a mistake, you don’t beat yourself up. You tell yourself that “that sucked, but I’m going to be okay.” I’m talking about the type of self love that when you see someone that makes you question your own worth you don’t think “I hate them” or “I’m never going to be that pretty or that smart or that rich” but rather “Wow, they are really (blank). Good for them. I would like that for myself one day,” or “Good for them. I can appreciate that, and that’s not for me. I have other things going on for myself.”
Why does this matter?
Because the relationship you have with yourself is the foundation of all the other relationships you have in your life.
The good, the bad, and the ugly.
If you would like to read more about self compassion, Dr. Kristen Neff’s website is a great resource!
Life with Baby Episode 28
Dr. Kat recently interviewed me about the importance of couples preparing their relationship for life with baby in episode 28. Dr. Kat’s podcast is a great perinatal resource. Please check out her podcast!
Click here for more information about my couple’s postpartum support group.
Creating a happy relationship doesn’t just happen by accident. It comes from being intentional and handwork. Below is a quick outline of some of the steps it takes to create a happy relationship.
- Creating a shared vision– think of this as your relationship mission statement. What is the purpose of your relationship and the two of you being together? Your relationship is benefiting or is suppose to be benefiting you both in some way otherwise what is the point of being together. An example of a shared vision might be to make each other feel loved and appreciated throughout life.
- Be Intentional– once you have your vision you must choose to live it and act it each and everyday. Yes, you will mess this up sometimes and so will your partner, so in those moments you get a second chance to intentionally live your shared vision.
- Spend Time Together– in order to keep a happy relationship you have to participant in it by spending time together. Date nights are great, but they aren’t the only way to spend time together. Sending a thinking of you text during the day, such as “how are you?” or “this reminded me of you…” is a quick and easy way to stay connected. Another way to spend time together, is by having a night time ritual together- whether it’s dinner or sitting in talking before going to bed.
- Saying Thank You– I don’t think you can say thank you enough to anyone! Showing appreciation is great for your relationship and for your own outlook. Challenge yourself to seek out ways to be grateful and appreciative in your relationship.
- Saying “I’m Sorry”– An “I’m sorry” can go a long ways in any relationship. For most of us, this is hard to say so start with the small stuff, so that when you really need to say it you can.
What steps do you take in your own relationship to keep it happy?
Many couples fall into the trap of approaching conflict in a you vs. me manner which often leaves each member feeling angry, hurt, and alone. It is so easy for us to fall into this trap, but we don’t have to. By thinking of your partner as your teammate in life, the two of you can approach bumps and challenges as a united force.
In order to do this, you must have open communication. Many communication problems stem from misreading the other’s message and not knowing what the intent was. I personally am a fan of using disclaimers when I’m not exactly sure of how to get my message across. I might say something along the lines of “I’m not sure how to say this . . .” This type of gentle start up gives you some grace to stumble through what you want to say and can help the other person hear your true intention and message.
Another way to view your partner as your teammate is by not thinking of “this is what’s on my plate and that’s what’s on yours.” Instead, you have one big bowl (the relationship) to hold all of these responsibilities and worries that each of you carry. It’s the “what’s yours is mine” mentality. I think this is where the true spirit of being a team comes in. When couples shift to this way of thinking, they have a strong sense of “we are in this together,” and isn’t that one of the great things about being in a relationship?
This mentality does not come naturally to all, especially if you have never seen this type of a relationship modeled before, but that does not mean it is not possible for you. By being open and intentional with your partner, you can enjoy the benefits of being a team as you two go through life.