I don’t know anyone who enjoys feeling scared that their partner might walk out of their marriage at any moment, feeling like they never measure up to others, being in a constant fear that no one will ever love them, hurt by someone’s words, or intense physical pain that can follow the death of a loved one. We work so hard to avoid feeling these emotions, but what we really need to do is face them head on.
Many of my clients have heard my analogy (that I’m sure I heard from someone else at some point) that these and other uncomfortable emotions end up in our own garbage can. I’m sure we have all neglected to take out the trash in our house at some point- the garbage can gets too full and you have to balance each additional piece of trash on top hoping that someone will get the hint and take it out for us or it starts to stink up the whole house. Sometimes it’s both. Well, each of us has a garbage can of sorts inside of us and when something bad, hurtful, sad, and so on happens to us it goes into our garbage can. When we neglect our garbage and do nothing to take it out then the garbage starts to overflow and stink us up. When this happens we might become sad or angry- our garbage is overwhelming us. We may have thought we got over that hurt, but now we snap at everyone or feel like “what’s the point?”
In order to keep our emotional garbage from overflowing and from stinking us up inside, we must face it and heal from it. Here are three steps to confront these uncomfortable emotions:
1. Develop tools to cope with those feelings and the belief that you can face them
Before you even acknowledge or confront the hurt, sadness, and anger you must have the tools to deal with those feelings and believe that you can feel them and face them and still live! These tools might be you talking yourself through it, writing about it, or exercising (exercising can be a great way to work out some feelings of hurt and anger).
2. Acknowledge that they are there.
Acknowledge that you hurt, that you are sad, that you are angry, that you are frustrated, that you feel like no one loves you or wants you around, that you feel like you suck at everything. This is hard and not a lot of fun, but you know what else isn’t a lot of fun? These feelings getting bigger and messing with other areas of your life because you just packed them away and let them fester inside you. When you pack them away and let them fester, you are letting these emotions take over and control your life through sadness and anger.
3. Be kind to yourself.
This work is hard. That’s why so many of us don’t do it and walk around with a chip on our shoulder or feel hopeless. Show yourself some love. Acknowledge that the work you are doing is hard and find ways to treat yourself- take a bath, read a book, or meet up with a friend.